The lost thoughts ..

I am getting tired of living two lives at a time, my life and their life, at times its so difficult for me to manage both. Identify which I am living. The short codes and the rules. It has started to suffocate me again, I have done it once I can do it again, I have proved it once I can prove it again, but, Is it worth it? Is it worth to under go all the pain again? Living in deception and wait for the claim call? I have been trying to keep both the lives in their respective cages, the barbarian in the chains and the mellow on the saddle, but I think they want to switch places, barbarian is tired of being the beast and the mellow don’t want to remain pure.

If this happen, it will fail me, my years in exile, my thousands of days of proving my sincerity, my countless sleepless nights, the tears which left an unsung melody on my pillow cover. The thunderstorms which I saw standing at my rooms’ window, the raindrops which sprinkled on my face through the open glass.  The lies I told to my mother, stating everything is all right, I am a little overstressed due to work .. nothing else.

I don’t want the barbarian to corrupt the mellow, or the mellow to get the barbarian tipped through someone. I want them to be there. Witness the last stand with calm smile and half closed eyes.  I want them to feel , to realize the cost I paid to make them through all this. I don’t want them to stop in between, I want them to know .. what I am afraid of.

I want to relive, I want to smile, I want to feel the wind beneath my wings, I want to put my damn knee on the chest of the damn history and tell. Babar, forgot me ?

The unforgiven  forever theme, this lion and the lamb theme, this scar theme, this wolf and sheep theme, and above all the Badmash’s theme, these all themes are getting mixed up, and I cant see the real one out of it. I need help. Yes I need help. I need someone to hand me the right FAQ, the original RTFM, the pure antidote, I want to save myself. I don’t want to give up on all that I have sacrificed, this time, I don’t want to fail them, those who pray for me and have always been there telling, Everything gonna be allright.

Hello Life !