The Kazmanian DeviL

Tazaad – Breathing the difference.

Babar — Wed, 06 Oct 2010 07:26:32 +0000

tazaad e jazbaat main ye nazuk muqam aaya tou kya karo ge
main ro raha hoon tum hans rahe ho main muskuraya tou kya karo ge

The worse thing a man can do to himself is believe that a woman will change for him. One has to love enough to sacrifice, and have to speak volumes when all words fail. No matter how many times they come back to this place, it will remains alien to them – their hearts stays elsewhere. He is the distance between the way things are and the way she wants them to be.

mujhe tou iss darja waqt e rukhsat sakoon ki talqeen kar rahe ho
kuch apne liye bhi tumne socha main yaad aaya tou kya karo ge

Holding on to anger is similar to grabbing a hot coal. Similar even to those who claim to love you forever and those who are totally meaningless.. Similar are those who claim they feel the pain to those who cause it. Similar are those who break promises without guilt, to those who leave you in between. Similar are those who pledge to protect you to those who stab you in the heart. Similar are those who love you passionately to those who kill you softly. Similar, Similar, Similar.

kuch apne dil par bhi zakham khao meray lahu ki bahaar kab tak
mujhe sahaara banane walo main larkharaya tou kya karo ge

Its all similar,
What I pretend, I cannot feel.
We are made to be both hunters and victims.
Players and to be played upon.
I’ns – The Human, we are, and that too similar !

abhi tou daman chura rahe ho bigar kay Qabil se ja rahe ho
magar kabhi dil ki dharkanu main shareek paya tou kya karo ge

The hard part isn’t making the decision. It’s living with it.

Zood e Pasheman

Babar — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 08:35:33 +0000

Imaginations don’t have a face, and the feelings they bring are also imaginary. It does not matter how hard you strive; few things do have an expiry date. Lately I added patience in that list. At times the risk to remain tight in a bud gets more painful than the risk it takes to blossom. I found that minds as parachutes or minds as pressure cooker, both have an expiry date, Altitude and temperature ..

Abstracts have a limited audience, limited appraisers, limited caretakers whereas Reality bites has a loud audience. She screams on the top of her Lungs, fills the max until she cant take anymore. That’s the limit … crossing which always have consequences, which is either paid or carried along depending upon the need in time. Talking about which is not a very delighted feeling -ever for the Barbarians, the heart people, for whom the tactical warfare is just to love and to be loved in return.

Time Out !

You’re Frozen … !

Babar — Fri, 21 May 2010 13:13:48 +0000

Last night while working late in office, I was waiting for my cup of tea and was looking out to the city lights . There were Flashbacks, emotional land mines exploded and I went back searching the old memory section of my brain. Surprisingly I found some interesting bits there -the Frozen moments.

The moments saved there with an eternity Tag, waiting to be relived again and again and again. Some were the unlearnt lessons and I will repeat the same if I come across that road again …

my admission in College of Arts and Design
my own Camera
When I got my Degree and I smiled, thinking what to do with it Now ?
me falling in Love and writing my first love letter .
being told that -You should leave me alone.

-there are few of them which don’t have any expiration date -yet !

aap ki Chai thandi ho rahi hai !

Walking down the Gallows, finding the noose

Babar — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 18:51:42 +0000

So you are related to computers, what actually you do?

I heard this question countless times in recent years, but I never was able to explain the way they want to listen. May be I don’t read minds maybe I can’t. Maybe the rope is not enough. May be I want to remain in my senses as much as I can.. to remain around, as at times when I wake up from sleep it feels as if I am at wrong place, or as if I came from a wrong place, I cant ride two boats any more I have already chosen one for me, now if it sinks or sails, I don’t care and i don’t want you to worry. I never wanted you to worry and I will make it easy. For me this exile is not as painful as the words from your lips, bearable? You don’t need a plan, you can kill me and make me re-live there and than. As I am standing at the edge of world I don’t know the way back, and I don’t know where my next step will land, and you don’t have to say that you don’t want to see me again … I wont be there ! I will honor your words.. !

I have realized any one can change his preset and future but he has no control on his past, I cant change it and if you still want to dig it out its your choice .

You know what you did to yourself you sowed a seed of fear and distrust in your and now this tree has gone so strong that even if you try you cant cut it off, if some one came to you with a closed fist filled with sand and threw it on your face, it does not mean that all closed fists will have sand in them. At least I don’t have any thing in my closed fists, you have seen them and you can see them again … I am just trying to hold myself back. My love gave me faith and belief and yours took away both.

Every relation has complications and it takes a while to fill the gaps, for us there was a crack in between since the beginning and its time we decide weather to fill this gap or break it.

I know it is difficult for me, for us, but I don’t want to be test sheet again and again and I don’t want to give explanations for what and why, as if there is no trust there is no point. If you are not happy staying with me then you definitely have right to leave me.

You got love that’s why you don’t care for it, you would have cared if you lost it… I never got it!!!

You have to uproot that tree… Can you do it?

The Sentence

Babar — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 06:27:39 +0000

He don’t have to come clear, is it a crime to be selfless ? From the first embrace he was a poster, the notorious, the one being talked about, told about, though he didn’t like it but few things don’t change much. Confrontation won’t help him, who ever wins the debate, he will only loose. He was to be nailed down to the cross as he has to be the “Shock Absorber” the one who listens about his Great deeds in much implicit manner, because he was the initiator always.. Always !

He has been treated on the same pattern couple of times before and the hatred has been injected in him through every possible way, he is comfortably numb, as he cant understand how can you hate someone after loving them. Putting light on them to make them stark naked !

He don’t know for tomorrows but for today he has nothing to offer back, at times one needs to swallow their pride, as the Red Queen said in Alice in wonder land, It is far better to be feared than loved.

Some one asked him, How are you ?

~ Awaz main therao tha, ankhon main namee the …. Aur keh raha tha main nay saab kuch bhula dia …. !!!

Isolation

Babar — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 07:57:17 +0000

He had places to live but did not have home, the cycle of replacement made him realize the meaning of Isolation & Solitude. The feeling of being in crowd while being alone, when days pass by without saying a word, when nights are longer and quieter. When mind works twice as much as speed of the heart. When heart kicks in and takes over. Cycle of replacement gets complete.

He understood word by word what it meant to be staying locked, staying quiet, staying ignored, staying cursed, staying waiting, staying living for a bliss, staying dead to feel alive, staying the black sheep, and above all staying One !

People like him are just normal atoms, they need a nucleus, a kernel, a positively charged heart, which attracts to the core, a balanced form, and people like him just need one nucleus, to stay in the orbit, 2 kernels cant recompile him, he cant live on two charged hearts, if anyone try bringing another nucleus near them … atom will not release the charge … it might never release it … what will happen ? RTFM … the Chemistry within.

Every time he was unable to bring down heaven he raised hell, everyone changes with time but for him it changed a bit earlier than expected, he had his reasons. He didn’t look for play mates around and stayed quiet and isolated. Spoke less , ate less, slept less but he failed to think less, was he Selfless ?

Someone asked, tumahray pass bohat faltu waqt hai ?
He replied, Haan hai, Zaaya kernay kay baad bhi bach jaai ga !

~ Kuch cheezain ziada sambhal ker rekhnay say Sarr jaati hain .. !

P.S.
After yesterday, he sank more when he came to know that his life was treated as a yellow page and it was being published once over again, for years he built it inside the one [who claimed not to be only-one as there was one before and there is another after] and in minutes it was thrashed, he listened his words from someone’s else lips. The moments which were meant to be in custody of someone were handed over, spoken over, He decided, he will never intimidate, how can he drag them out, it will be dishonesty. He will never ask what was the reason saying it all, May be there were Logics which he is not aware of, May be he hold it too dear in him rather than saying it to clear up the position, May be Isolation is the only salvation, All his theories of staying calm and composed were useless, fury took the better out of ‘em, he was not a scar, he thinks it was an allergy which needs medication.

There is no perfect ending … as it was not a fairy tale.

- wasisay bhi Jin aur Pari per say us ka yaqeen kaab ka uth chukka tha … and for now he now only believes in Witches with a capital B !

Against your will …

Babar — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 07:02:40 +0000

Traveling La’whore this Tuesday made me realize what being uncomfortable really means, I used to think that when I am not at ease I am uncomfortable but, during this couple of hours drive to and from La’whore brought new set of meaning for this odd word, One can be uncomfortable even if he is listening his choice of songs, has privilege of being driven, easily able to talk and text, with parents sitting in back and a stable ride on motor way. Just then unpleasant start to happen and your train of thoughts zaps you on the same speed of the car you are on.

Excitement to reach La’whore and meet someone close to you, for whom you had been on toes when he was a failed state of affairs like yourself, when he was counting on you just to be with him, when all the trusted one faded out one by one leaving him in the quagmire of self created chores. There was something which was not all fitting in, why, what I didn’t know, but still I was trying to hold that rut and was looking forward to be there.

Been there, done that, met him. The one who is so dear for over 14 years, but surprisingly this time it was not the same, it was formal, I don’t blame him for this, I was carrying it on me as well. The connections, the pages from the past, the small men with big egos. It stood against me. Fake smiles, fake handshakes, I wanted to go back, there and than. I wanted to leave but had to wait until the social code of honor was observed.

I wanted to fly back with a blink on eye, I was thinking tens and hundreds and thousands of things at the same time, I felt as I have done something wrong coming here, it was like being at wrong place at the right time, or may be the right place at the wrong time. Or may be none of the above. I didn’t like it. Though I never liked traveling towards La’whore for sometime, we disown each other. But this time it was awkward and very strange and I took two days to come out of it. I think I was again expecting much from it.

I relate all the things with one another, I try fighting way out for all the odd at one go, I think it’s again time when I need to take one day at a time. One person at a time, One heartbreak at a time, and above all one ‘Uncomfortable’ at a time.

Dil to bacha hai Jee … Thora Kacha hai Jee …

Saza …. !

Babar — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 09:32:20 +0000

THumhari Saza …

When you get barren in your own words, you start taking refuge in others, when you cant find yourself in the mirror you start avoiding it, when you cant relate the past to the present you stop looking for the future without meanings. I am among those who don’t express their inner to all who they mate meat meet with, I am among those who don’t speak back the same meanings to those who they sleep speak with. I tried changing things with me and around me but could not cheat change much.

And then some one else helped me to say what I feel,

har baar mere saamnay aati rahi ho tum
har baar tum say mil kay bicharta raha hon main
tum kon ho yeh khud bhi nahi janti ho tum
main kon hon yeah khud bhi nahi janta hoon main
tum mujh ko jaan kar hee parhi hoo azaab mein
aur iss tarhaan khud apni saza ban gaya hon main

I lived in a bipolar world for some time, seen the black and white and most of the times came in grays to hide in solitude but it never helped me in identifying the difference between solitude and loneliness, the only meaning I know now is, when you have place to live and don’t have home you are alone, and when you have home and take time out a bit, you look for solitude.

tum jis zameen par ho mein uss ka khuda nahi
puss sar’basar azeeyat o aazaar hi raho
bay’zaar ho gai ho bahot zindagi say tum
jab bus mein kuch nahi hai tu bayzaar hi raho
tum ko yahaan kay saya o par’to say kya gharaz
tum apnay huq mein beech ke divaar hi raho

I used this space as a buffer zone, as a zero gravity level, as a place to save the face of it, but when you take away a person’s dignity, its nothing for you, it is worth everything for them. It may be freedom from the cage of aimless feelings or what ever they were.

mein ibtada e ishq say bay mehar hi raha
tum intaha e ishq ka mayaar hi raho
tum khoon thookti ho, yeah sun kar khushi hoi
iss rung iss ada mein bhi pur’kar he raho

This whole phase of life has been a set of Algebra for me, which I Hate, Hate and HATE (capital bold) I have been trying to balance this set of equations adding 1 here subtracting 2 there, adding 2 there subtracting 1 here, but could not balance. Its like living two shades of single embrace.

mein nay yeh kab kaha tha mohabbat mein hai nijaat
mein nay yeah kab kaha tha wafadar he raho
apni mata’e naaz luta kar mairay liyeah
bazar e iltafaat mein nadaar hi raho

For some death is another name losing love and self respect, some will add Revenge, Lust and Betrayal in this aimless life’s list. Then why wait to come to an end ? Why wait to spit it out ? Why wait to curse and get cross ? I am not surprised as few things will remain as they are, and some will have to say it to earn their freedom from the cage of promises of aimless love.

jab mein tumhain nishaat e mohabbat na day saka
gham mein kabhi sakoon e rafaqat na day saka
jab mere sab chiragh e tamanna hawa kay hain
jab mere saray khawb kissi bay’wafa kay hain
phir mujh ko chahnay ka tumhain koi haq nahi
tunha karhanay ka tumhain koi haq nahi

~ Jaun eliya

What about me ?

What do I have say to it ? After I have been told who I am and shown the excitement of new found friend and regrets of an end.

What will I do, after I have been removed from the confession room, the locked door, I shall honor the decision, Live with your demons and angels , it was only your evince after all, I was there as a silent spectator who was removed from there alongwith many places. If I don’t speak doesn’t mean that I gave you all the rights .. Confrontation has come to an end.

It requires more courage to suffer than to die.

What will I do ?

I laughed and took the sound to 25 ..

Jaagi jaagi soyi na main saari raat, tere liye
Bheegi bheegi palkein meri udaas, tere liye

Akhiyan bichayi main, tere liye , Duniya bhulayi maine, tere liye

Tere liye jhoomu deewana ban ke tere liye
Vaada hai mera main hoon tere liye ..

~ I can see lights fading in the rear view mirror ..

Time Out !

Babar — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 07:06:37 +0000

Thankyou for your words of Comfort.
Need to be in solitude for a bit.

- In the mean while I shall be searching for the guy who said he can repair ALMOST anything !

the Reality of existence….

Babar — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 07:33:36 +0000

One day like them, I will not be here as well, like always some one like me will cover this gap in the social circle, this picture will become a gloomy memory of tangy thoughts and this memory will transform into few seconds of silence among the gossips when the name be chanted and then after a while, Time will also settle dust on this -Pause.

This is the ultimate reality and this is the place we deserve.

The boiling rage in the nerves, the round bobbin of thoughts in arteries and the bomb beats will just experience a “Missed Call” and it will be over.

I have seen my life like a mercury bulb whose all glare and pomp ‘n show is locked in a 2 inch Switch, just a warm press a Click and all the energy bliss is dissolved into the colors of darkness, and all the bright colors of existence is lost in a deep dark land of no returns.

Thirty – here I come, so called hip, living a blessed life, hiding from day to day tensions, trying to let go the ego of my friends, avoiding to engage in useless animosity and hatred, not meeting people without reasons, living in the circle, giggling on small jokes, reading books, listening music, mocking Ra’ed, flipping Nikon, running in rat race of life along with the crowd, and one day a call will be missed. This all most organized routine will end.

Someone told me Babar. You are among the hanging souls in tower of silence, where the hungry vultures are lurking over our head, they don’t attack us they send their drones in shape of accidents, diseases, unforeseen and we can run but cant hide, we assume that the distance between their claws and mouth is our -LIFE. This distance is the time in which we have to cover up with our million most important things. We have to study to get Job, work hard to get promoted, support family and friends, Grasp the slipping joys of life, Live the bond of Friendship and honor the code of hatred. In between the distance of being in claw and preyed, we have to make money, build home, Rise on the height of our Egos, win hearts, , break promises, beg borrow or else steal, betray, cheat, hurt others, long list of TO DO’s in this small recess. We never thought that, in between these most important things we don’t have time to think about these unwanted thing, but you forcefully have to take out time to think for while, to take some rest, take a deep breath and accept – its just Life, and its Just -This- long. We can take a deep breath, put our right hand on our heart and we are FREE from all the do and donts which we thought our life is. This tower of silence explains all.

What life is ?

While in my Biology classes back in school we never thought what life is, for us it was not meant to be in those books. Then some one spoke, Babar the life you are looking for is just 21 Grams ! this is the difference between someone dead or alive, the only thing a body loses when some one die is 21 Grams. What this 21 Grams is ? Is it soul ? Is it Life ? Is it the hidden Davidoff craving air in lungs which one exhales with the last breath and leave empty eyes, stiff lips and a cold body. I have been exploring these 21 grams, but still don’t know the correct answer, I thought to find them in the university doors, the incomplete canvas, the filters of my lens, the popped up collars of my shirt, the rolled up sleeves of my kurta, the laughter, the memories, the eyes, the touch, is this is the state of being Omnipotent ? The power of nature ? or the struggle to stay alive ? Why I am I and why they are them ? What is the reason of our existence ? I don’t have answers to this now but I have a link to it. Sometimes telling the truth is more helpful than protecting someone’s feelings.

I have started to learn that I am living it like a fool, running after unwanted, missing out time to love, time to help, wasting it on unwanted hatred , contempt, animosity, and ego. Every thing don’t have an explanation, there is no point working so hard to figure this out. It may be one of the last days of getting free from the load of 21 grams.

And might we wont get a chance to say it all loud and accept where we have been wrong over again, as few things which we are holding on to has outlived their purpose, its time to let Go.